Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
well you can't waste a boner
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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