we have pet lesbian snakes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize