So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
