if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
