i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
