I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I will pee on everything he values.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
