walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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