Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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