Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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