dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
