all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
