So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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