I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
