Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize