Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
