How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
