I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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