I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
