I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
