I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
