his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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