I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
