Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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