People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
You can't special order awesome
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
