Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
