my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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