if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
