The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
