Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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