8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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