I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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