the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize