Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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