they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
