you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
