You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
