$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
