last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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