I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
