Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
