You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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