I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
