So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
