I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize