my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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