So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
