y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I CAN MOONWALK!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
