he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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