that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
