If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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