I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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