Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
