youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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