You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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