Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i will never coherently bang her
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
NoShamevember. You game?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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