Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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