no, he came in my armpit
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I am naked and annoyed.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
