i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
