the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
