Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
