That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
