you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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