someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize