New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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