dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish I only lived at night.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
