My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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