Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
