an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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