Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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