The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
